what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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