i would punch a child for taco bell
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
