I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
