I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
