New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
