WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
