Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
