How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
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