so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
