Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize