guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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