The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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