I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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