Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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