the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
