a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
