I can text with my tongue
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
