i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
