i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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