After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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