I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And my parents said I crawled through the house
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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