I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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