My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
