I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
