God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
