There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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