so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
