as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
