just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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