the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
