morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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