I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
