oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I intend to get homeless drunk
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
