I'm eating all of the evidence.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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