I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
True college students do jello shots in the library
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
