More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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