i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
