Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
