alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
