She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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