in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
farters have to be the big spoon...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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