its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
