Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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