According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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