I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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