Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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