can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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