and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
