She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
