I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
