they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
