we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
