Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
