New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
be right there i have to get my cape
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
