I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
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