I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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