The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
