I'm drive I can fine osifer
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
