i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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