Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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