Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
