she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
