we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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