Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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